Love Actually (2003)

Here’s some reasons why I find this film as being bad.

Harry’s (Alan Rickman) receptionist is sexually harassing poor Alan and it’s kind of OK with him. If a man would have done that, it would totally be portrayed in another way, but because she’s a woman she gets to do that. As a matter of fact, there is a storyline that actually portrays that, it’s Colin Frissell’s (Kris Marshall) – he’s the weird sexually intense male who is harassing the poor ladies of London.Love Actually (2003)

The Natalie (Martine McCutcheon) character is Cinderella. She has such a boring and unsatisfying life that she needs a man, but not any man – a PM, to take her away and solve all her life’s problems, like getting the wrong man, by risking an international conflict between the UK and the US because Billy Bob Thornton made a hit on her. Also the case with the immigrant Aurelia (Lúcia Moniz)(who has a tramp-stamp that just makes Colin Firth act like he’s in The King’s Speech (2010)). Also, we don’t care about Hugh Grant’s bodyguards and driver, who have to work on Christmas, when like a prince he goes to scream his heart out [as if as a PM he can’t get an address of an employee and he’d have to make the whole initiatory trip to 100 houses with 100 weird occurances] to his lower-class piece of ass (also, she got him just a card for Christmas, which is a bit cheap if you ask me, and when he came to the airport she didn’t care that he’s a PM and has to be on his good behaviour – now that’s white trash). They probably have some other places to be too.

And Jamie’s house (Colin Firth)… Who the hell owns things like that? I always imagined houses like that as just being places where people shot films and music videos, not actual living spaces, a place where someone could call a home. As it turns out, all the characters live in unrealistic apartments and houses in London. Moreover, he dumps his girlfriend because she cheated on him, but Natalie dumps her boyfriend because he called he fat and he’s an asshole. But let’s come back to Jamie and Aurelia. He goes all the way to Portugal for her, she’s a stump of a human being, all she had to do is kiss him and the foolish Englishman went all the way across Europe to see her. And, they’ve never had a conversation, maybe she’s a communist, or hates cheese and he’s a great lover of cheeses. That never crosses these people’s minds that they will have to actually live with each other for a while and in that time they’ll have to converse. Moreover, does him going to Portugal after her mean that she will be saved from a life of waiting on people and move to England where she will be kept for by the rich English author (which is another thing that bugs me, authors are not supposed to be rich). The fact that he’s an author, who is supposedly well read, and she is a waitress just bugs the hell out of me because it means that the man is smart and the woman just has to look nice when undressed. Also, what will the conversations between them be like? And the fat girl, Aurelia’s sister, is portrayed as unworthy of being married to because she is a loud mouth freak who eats Dunking Donuts and is fat.

Juliet (Keira Knightley – who doesn’t act her best) is married to a guy called Peter (Chiwetel Ejiofor), who at first I thought was the target of Mark’s (Andrew Lincoln) fiery passion as I though a gay relationship would be an add to this mix. But it turns out it’s not. As it turns out, towards the end of the film, we are meant to forget about Peter and be happy for the new relationship between Juliet and Mark as if Peter had dome something wrong. He’s probably a nice guy but we don’t care about him. Juliet is a whore.

Daniel (Liam Neeson) doesn’t long for the passing of his wife, he’s sad he’s alone. And what kind of father is he? He doesn’t know anything about his son. He’s a crappy person all together because we see throughout the movie that he could have made time for his son, he doesn’t do much of a job. But he tries to connect with his son through a very sexually awkward (and somewhat questionable) moment in which both of them are watching Titanic (1997) and are replicating the scene where Leo and Kate are in the front of the boat. Raising your son to go after every silly fling I don’t think is good parenting either. It’s comforting to know that one can get past a TSA agent when it’s for love. Also, according to a book called If It’s Purple, Someone’s Gonna Die, Joanna is supposed to die after the airport scene.

At one point we meet Michael (Michael Fitzgerald), Sarah’s (Laura Linney) brother with some mental problem. Maybe in another context, their story would have been touching and heartfelt, here it seems forced and actually exploitative. And she works on Christmas night.

By the way, all the characters in this film are lookers, there is not one ugly person so there is no surprise they all fall in love with each other. They all have just first names, like movies for children because the audience for this film is not that smart to deal with characters with a first and last name. Maybe because there are so many fucking stories and characters (it was a nice surprise to see Rowan Atkinson though). I believe all these stories are cramped together not to get a more complex look at love through different people’s eyes but because every fucking story is boring as shit and will not be able to stand by itself. Furthermore, the music is so loud and emotional that it takes away from any remotely sincere moment of the film. At moments, the film also makes the vicinity of St. Paul’s Cathedral as the place where everyone with a sentimental problem goes to get a breath of fresh air.

The movie is at times funny (sometimes unintentionally – like seeing the Gherkin under construction, VCR tapes or old Nokia brick-phones) as the characters are British and it kind of comes with the territory, and some actors are quite good, and here I have to mention Emma Thompson and Martin Freeman, but the avalanche of narrative and character cliché’s (such as “I love [Joni Mitchell] and true love lasts a lifetime”) is to great to bare.

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